Pain and Quorum Sensing Abilities

First, an update, for those who are wondering about my Nashville life:

I am continuing to be blessed in Nashville, especially with opportunities to bless others. Violin-wise, I have been given the opportunity to sub in with the Huntsville Symphony Orchestra in Huntsville, Alabama. I enjoyed playing with the group that recorded "Woody's Round-Up" from the Toy Story movies and met several other musicians who helped point me toward other playing and ministry opportunities in the region. I am currently set to perform again with them this New Year's Eve. I feel that this is the tip of the iceberg and that God is using this opportunity to encourage me and prepare me for greater things.

In addition to this, I have continued to grow closer to my small group, and we have completed our first serve as a "village." My roommate and I also hosted a fantastic Christmas Party- a capacity in which I have ALWAYS wanted to serve, but never quite felt I had the resources to do so. Since I have arrived in Nashville, I have not felt want. I have been filled with all I have needed and more. I have more joy, peace and confidence than I have had at any other point in my life, and I pray I will experience much growth and more joy in this place.

And now to expand on the title of this post:

In recent days, many of those I love have been stricken by some terribly difficult and painful trials. One dear friend is in danger of losing his father to cancer. A couple I know had their beloved foster children taken from them on the basis of a misunderstanding, with no opportunity to plead their case because the state has custody. A family member is struggling to make ends meet for his wife and kids. My grandmother is in the hospital and may be for quite some time...as a best case scenario. One word comes to mind (ND and MN people will understand): UFFDA.

I am glad to be back in ND at this time so I can meet with many of these people and offer support and encouragement; to point them toward Christ, to God's unfailing love and the hope that trumps any trial we face on this earth.

I have come to believe I have been gifted with a joyful, resilient spirit, which is helpful in offering encouragement. My downfall comes not in the form of disbelief, but in sadness over the grief and hurt of those I love and desire greatly to lift up. While I may be able to lift them for a time, it is easy to grow weary as I attempt to shoulder their burden. I told my mom today at lunch that I wish I could be a sponge and absorb all of the hurt and fear my friends are feeling so they could be strong and I could be weak for them. So they could be free to feel the hope I feel for them. She promptly replied, "Kelly, that's why we have Jesus." True, mom. Very true.

In this moment, I am experiencing a heavy heart for all that is going on around me. In addition, unknown and changing plans are hitting me at my weak underbelly, also known as finances. My grandmother is not doing well, yet I am tempted to worry about the lessons I may have to cancel in order to see her. Crazy. As if I don't know that God knows how to provide for me financially...

This brings me to my friend, Lisa, the microbiology expert. She told me about quorum sensing abilities. Essentially, microbes in the body may be numerous and spread out, but do absolutely nothing. They can talk to each other and sense that if they did not lie dormant, the body would overtake them. It is only upon reaching a quantity threshold in which they can do some actual damage that they come into action. Emotions and life situations are much like that. Not having jelly for my toast may not phase me today, but if it happens in light of lack of sleep and worrying about my relatives' well-being, it suddenly becomes a big deal- even bigger if I allow myself to react without thinking. Temptations also enter here and detrimental lies become believable.

So... two things to remember. A) Jesus is THE example of love and has taken our pain and suffering to the cross. He can relate to our trials, and is alive to prove that there is hope. B) The hope we cling to is eternal. We do not- we cannot- understand all of what God is weaving in our lives, but we can trust it has purpose, and that purpose is good. What we have in this life is important, but eternity is the only place we can store up treasure and not lose it. We are, in fact, made for the eternal, are we not? Where is your hope?

A Tale of Two Kellys

Since I moved to Nashville 7 weeks ago, I have spent nearly 3 weeks of that time in Fargo, ND. I just arrived back from my second Symphony week of the year. (For those who may not know, I am planning to play every Masterworks Series concert with the FMSO, as my schedule will allow.)

Upon touching down in Minneapolis on Nov. 2, I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my older brother, driving to Perham, MN, having an amazing dinner cooked by my sister-in-law, playing with my niece and nephew and driving the rest of the way to Fargo with my mom. The next day began at 7:15am working alongside my dear friend, Melinda, and chaperoning a group of students at a music festival all day. Friday through Sunday were completely filled with preparation and production for the Reilly concert and worship at my church in Moorhead, MN. Sunday through Friday I had rehearsals with the FM Symphony Orchestra for concerts on Saturday and Sunday. Not to mention, I also worked a few days at Great Harvest Bread and taught several violin lessons, and I still managed to meet up and hang out with a few close friends. Monday around midnight, I was back home in TN.

One night, my mom mentioned something to the effect of "Oh, of course you are busy," and within hours of her comment, a friend from Symphony remarked that coming back to Fargo meant essentially stepping back into the same exact routine I left. I couldn't help but agree.

Much of my life has been defined by busyness. A carefully crafted schedule. If you wanted to meet up for something as simple as lunch or an hour-long coffee outing, I might have to schedule it weeks in advance. Oftentimes, I would hear people say two things about me: 1) Kelly is really nice and 2) Kelly is a very busy person.

Reflecting on this is fascinating because of the stark contrast my Nashville life has at this point in time. While I have a calendar, it is no longer filled with more notes than I can hope to keep up with. The one thing I seem to have in abundance is TIME - something I can't recall ever having before.

This time thing, while I often feel a bit awkward dealing with it (It is sort of like winning a million dollars when you are used to sacrificing and budgeting every penny carefully to pay everyday bills), is wonderful and perfect for this stage in my life. Three things come to mind: 1) Time to develop solid friendships and connections with others. 2) The ability to say yes to serving opportunies, both at home and elsewhere. 3) Freedom from the strict schedule and time to refocus on my walk in the Lord. I can practice violin, clean, cook, attend a small group, read and catch up with people. There are no barriers to these things- I can do them to my heart's content.

While I do not intend for things to remain as they are indefinitely, schedule-wise, I see God working through the time to redeem it for His purposes. Good things- sometimes unexpected things- have come about simply because I had the time. I desire greatly to lift up those around me, to encourage them, guide them, walk with them. Now I can do that better.

I feel I am living a double life, but I am alright with that for now. I know things will get busy soon enough (it tends to follow me), and while that is a gift, I will gladly receive and use the gift of "free time" effectively how I am led today. I may need to remember this blessing in the future.

Encouragement

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Above is the chorus to Hillsong's version of "Forever Reign." It is a beautiful song, and you should definitely watch the YouTube video and read the rest of the lyrics at the end of this post.

For those who do not know, I grew up without my father in my life. Yes, he is still walking and talking today, but does not seem to care to forge a relationship with his oldest daughter. I have come to forgive this man in order to have an open door to relationship, but he will not take it...yet.

Because of this man not being there, God has taken a very special place as father in my life. Where my own father was fearful, God was trustworthy and fearless. Where the man was absent, my God was present, indwelling- closer than any person can be or will be. Where I might have been considered a "mistake," God adopted me, calling me to a purpose, and that is where I stand today.

Not only has God given me Himself, but He has provided me with incredible testimonies of what Godly men look like who have taken on parts of the earthly father-role in my 25 years. These men include my older brother, grandfather, men from my church and even a few professors and teaching mentors. Not to mention, I was given an incredible mother, who did her best to serve her family as if she were two people! I have never been lacking what I need, nor am I sure I would know what I may have missed out on in my formative years. In reality, I believe God has always provided me with what would shape me best for the next task.

Yesterday, some hopeful news from a friend turned into less hopeful news, which was probably a hard thing for the family involved. My heart is breaking over the situation because I can see fear and fearful things knocking at the door, tempting to steal the joy, hope and peace that have been so well established among them. I desperately want to help, but have no idea what to do currently besides pray and offer whatever encouragement I can. I suppose this is the point faith enters to inflict some damage on those fears. God is sovereign.

Ok. So what connects these two stories? And what do they have to do with a girl going to Nashville to serve through her music?

Since the second is not my story to tell, I will leave it up to you as the reader to interpret how you wish. This family needs prayer, so if you feel inclined, please pray for healing, strength, hope, faith and wisdom. Thank you.

My objective in writing was to provide encouragement. God tends to move my heart through music and song lyrics, so when I practiced last night with the Calvary Praise Band, this song had me nearly in tears. There are fathers who are well and refuse to be there, and there are fathers who are not well and still give all they are to connect and serve in whatever way they are able. Regardless, God is our Heavenly Father, and will not let us down. His purposes may be beyond our understanding, but we can trust they are good and that He will provide everything we need and more.

Think back to the chorus of the song above. Imagine the greatest, most heartfelt embrace you have experienced. One that makes you feel safe, understood, cared for. That is only a shadow of God's embrace. He is there with open arms. Run.

Forever Reign
You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

It's a Start

Well, readers, I have good news! I landed my first gig since relocating to the South!

It isn't huge and it isn't permanent, but it is good. I will be subbing in with the Huntsville Symphony for both Pops series in December! Yes, it is a classical gig, but I am MORE than happy to play my instrument- and get paid to do it! Hopefully this will lead to getting better connected to the musicians in my new region of residence. My feeling is that God is giving me some encouragement right now. I can tell more of His provision. I can take joy in meeting a new challenge with a fine orchestra. I can do what I do well in a new community of people. For this I am thankful. I pray this is only the beginning (and I have every reason to believe that there is more to come!)

On the flip side, I found out a dear friend of mine, whose dream came true in being cast on Broadway, was just told her show has been postponed indefinitely. She may never get the chance to perform her role (swing/understudy to the leading lady) in this show. She is disappointed and I am disappointed for her. There is good in knowing she was cast. That she is worthy of such a role, but questions have to be going through her head and heart about why her dreams came so close- only to be "postponed indefinitely."

I had a similar experience when I thought things were going to work out to play for BarlowGirl last December. God had placed this thing on my heart to be ready to go on a moment's notice for something like that. I even had a bag packed for a month prior because the conviction was so strong (not specifically Barlowgirl- but any band that needed a fill- in violinist). And then, against all odds, I was asked to play. I couldn't believe it. I probably called every close friend and family member who had been praying for this very thing at 11:30 at night. 36 hours later, I was told it would not work out because of the price of plane tickets. It was a huge disappointment. I really pressed into God for answers as to His purpose in it not "working out." I prayed they wouldn't forget me. God answered that HE hadn't forgotten me- and never will. This has given me peace and strength to go forward in faith, and what a journey it has been so far (um...no reference intended, but that did work well, didn't it?)! Bring on the next thing, Lord. Make me ready!

One Month!

I can hardly believe it! I moved down to TN one month and two days ago. I can't decide whether it feels as if I have been here a few days or a few years. Either way, it is my home for today, and I love it.

This morning, I woke to a stunning, piercingly bright sunrise after two days of wind, rain, cold and gloom. What a beautiful sight! I plan to take some pictures today or tomorrow before heading back to Fargo Tuesday. The colors can take a person's breath away, and I hope not to forget them any time soon.

Things are moving along with the job search. I have been hugely blessed by coming into contact with (for lack of a better term) people who know people. In the music industry, a recommendation carries far more weight than a strong resume from an unconnected person. I am learning, slowly but surely, what I need to change in my approach to this career path to be noticed. Even with resume writing, much of what I need to do is contrary to what I was taught to do as a music educator. I welcome the change. I LOVE the freedom, and I am jumping into the unknown with both feet! (After all, isn't that the ONLY way to jump?)

One of those helping me connect with the right people asked me if I was ready to do this. Ready to go and live this crazy life I see before me. My response? Absolutely. Bring it on. The sooner, the better.

I will conclude with a thought to ponder, as I continue to consider it. God's timing is perfect. He orchestrates all things for the good.* Whether I land a gig tomorrow or a month or two from now is by no mistake. I need only be faithful with the resources I have been given, and I trust that God will bring the right sort of work my way, with the right people at the right time. Although I would like to know what is next and am working toward a goal I may not see completely clearly yet, I am not worried. My God has brought me here, to this point, safe and sound. He has given me no reason not to trust Him with every detail of my future as well.


*I love thinking about life in terms of music. There are so many parallels. In thinking of God orchestrating things for the good of those who love Him, I was reminded of the Shostakovich symphony I am preparing to perform in two weeks. I'll admit Shosty is not my favorite composer to play- or listen to. But he was in no small way a master of his craft. The difficult passages, the dissonance and the often unexpected changes within his masterworks may seem purposeless, confusing and even disagreeable when viewed in certain small sections, yet they all work together to communicate a story. The dissonance leads to resolution, and the resolution carries its significance in direct proportion to the level of dissonance. Beautiful.

Things I love about the South

So, y’all (hehe) knew, if you have been following this blog, I was feeling homesick for Nashville when I came back to Fargo for the Symphony week. Now that I am back in my new hometown, I am happier than I have been in…well…ever! College and Music Camp are close seconds, but with the confirmations I see every day, this is the winner.

Never in a million years did I ever dream of living in the South, except maybe when I was ten and dreamed of living on a horse farm in Kentucky. I had never even visited anything beyond Arlington, VA, TX and Orlando, FL until this past June. I came on faith. I sensed God leading me to the Nashville area, and He is speaking SO very clearly to my heart that this is indeed where I am supposed to be.

So, for your reading enjoyment, I have compiled a list of things I love about being where I am. Some of these are confirmations for me being here, but most are just things that bring joy to my heart as I notice them around me.

· Southern Hospitality- It is alive and well. And probably better than “Minnesota Nice.” Sorry, MN. Having a complete stranger hold the door to Chick-Fil-A open for you as you cross the parking lot from the other end means major points for the South.

· Rolling hills- Ok. I know these exist elsewhere. But they are in my back yard. And front yard. And they are still mostly green. With hay bales and deer and horses and blue jays. HEAVEN. Don’t get me started on the stars here…

· Best. Neighbors. Ever.- I have met only a few of my neighbors, and they are among the kindest people I have met, period. Everyone seems to look out for one another, and I already feel like I know these people better than I have ever gotten to know my neighbors back in Fargo (where I have spent the past 22 years of my life). I am definitely baking pans of cinnamon rolls for them soon (shout out to Ree Drummond, Cinnamon Roll genius).

· Southern Expressions- The creativity is astounding! I need to keep a list of these as I hear them. Nobody seems to use the same expressions, yet they roll out of their mouths with alarming frequency and everyone considers them normal conversation. I laugh- but only because of they way they make perfect sense!

· Faith- At times, it feels over-marketed here, but I have had more than a few conversations with random people here on faith and Bible-related issues, simply because that is what they are talking about. There are LOTS of opportunities to encourage people and learn from them because faith is a very open topic and way of life for many in this area.

· Architecture- Brick everywhere. Big porches. Landscaping with old trees. Fancy horses in front of large plantation-style dwellings. That, and roads are really fun to drive on. What’s not to love?

· Music- Nashville isn’t called Music City for nothing. I have seen more tour busses than I can count and run into more bands and people who work with musicians than anywhere else (besides music festivals) in my life- and I haven’t been here but a couple of weeks! Music is a viable career option, provided you are smart with your finances, and musicians are very interconnected. It is awesome to tell people the reason I have come and be welcomed with open arms- and understanding.

I am sure everyone will want to come and visit now, right? Keep praying about the next thing, career- and networking-wise, as well as developing meaningful, close friendships. I am really loving life here right now!

Viva Nashvegas!

Haha.

Here I am, back in "The Ville," after a nearly sleepless night attempting to catch some Zs in the airport. I had plans of hanging out in the city for the evening- or at least the Mall of America- but those were dashed because Southwest doesn't allow baggage check before 4 hours prior to departure. There are no lockers either, due to security issues. In addition, I decided to forgo staying at my aunt and uncle's place to make things easier on everyone. We'll call my 12 hours at MSP a learning experience. Hopefully not to be duplicated. Oy.

Regardless, I am safe and glad to be back in my new hometown. God took great care of me! For example, yesterday, as I was running errands, there was construction that actually made my trip MORE productive in that it caused me to do things in a more efficient order than I had originally planned. That's a first! Secondly, I never researched baggage weight limits for my two suitcases (which fly free with Southwest- why I chose them for this trip!), and I was sure they were over 50lbs each. I prayed about it, and the two suitcases together weighed 95lbs; 48lbs and 47lbs, respectively. Amazing! Nevermind that I was granted some seriously good God time, reading and praying in the quietness of Humphrey Terminal in the wee hours of the night. God is good. :)

For today, I want to use my time well. I got an inexpensive, yet quite satisfying bite to eat at Dose.[coffee & tea] on the outskirts of the city, where I am writing this now. My original goal was to set up a lunch meeting with a connection I have in the Nashville Symphony, but I have not heard back from her or a few others I would like to speak with. Something to continue to pray about, prayer partners/warriors!

Regardless, I have a free afternoon by myself to spend as I please. I think I'll check out Williams Fine Violins, as it was recommended to me by one of the Nashville Symphony cellists. I have always appreciated the relationship I have developed with luthiers in Fargo and Minneapolis, and I know it will do me well to establish a similar relationship here. From there, perhaps I'll get some groceries or see if there are any good used book stores (I'm a sucker for these...) or unique boutiques to check out.

I am excited to get to know this new home of mine! Time to jump in with both feet!

Prayer items:
* For motivation and direction concerning work in Nashville
* For opportunities to meet with and make valuable contacts
* For the ability to ask the right questions (I have never felt like I was good at asking questions)
* For good fellowship at Village (small group) tonight- that we will be able to build up one another in Christ and grow together as friends
* For fearlessness and discernment in all things. God has proved himself faithful. I must follow.

Servant Heart

A friend asked me last week, "When was the last fight you had, and what was it about?" I answered that I had argued with my mom about her not giving an opinion on how to pack my futon mattress into my car the day I left for Nashville. Within minutes, if not seconds, I realized my error in imposing unreal, unfair expectations on my mother, who has been more self-sacrificing on my behalf than anyone in this world. I quickly found her, explained/apologized in humility, compassion and repentance what was going on in my head and heart (which was in no way acceptable- for her or anyone else), and asked for her forgiveness, which she gave willingly. I still wounded her, and it would have been better to have exercised patience and compassion from the beginning.

I realize I am making this sound like a big deal. In most families, this sort of thing is entirely normal. People tear each other down to get what they want and things resume as normal. This is NOT what I am called to do as a member of the Body of Christ. Christ died for selfish actions such as this, and I am walking and talking today because of the grace I have received. I have been given freedom to act in love because I know Love.

While eating lunch today, I found and listened to the sermon podcast from this past Sunday's service at Journey Church in Franklin, TN. It hits some really hard issues with regard to sex, addiction, confession, grace and redemption. (You can take a listen here.) Near the end, the guest pastor/teacher speaks about the difference between love and lust. Love desires the other's good and gives generously, while lust takes and takes.

Using this definition, I would argue that many aspects of life can be defined in terms of love and lust- beyond the traditional husband-wife relationship. My initial reaction to my mother on moving day was one of lust. I required of her that she give an opinion, yet did not consider her best interest (until I had inflicted a bit of an emotional blow and my eyes were reopened). What could have been a moment for me to reaffirm her love and self in general became a selfish opportunity to take a part of her sense of self and confidence away. Essentially, I was momentarily lustful for power and lashed out in pursuit of this false god. This is the opposite of what my God teaches about living in community. We are to give what is in our power to give. To serve in the capacity we are gifted to serve. We are to seek the other's good and trust that our own needs will also be taken care of. (Just think if everyone behaved in this way!!!)

My goal for this week at "home" is to act on opportunities to love rather than lust. To serve over being served. To genuinely seek out needs around me and meet them. What greater joy is there?

Home Sweet Home (pardon the cliché)

After not two weeks in the Nashville area, I am back in my home town of Fargo, ND. This brings up a world of feelings and realizations that are brand new to me.

First of all, there is the concept of "home." Where is home now? I have moved to Nashville, but do not yet have all of my life established there. I am back in Fargo for just over a week, and it is more than easy to slip into the old routine again with family, friends and work. The only thing is... I don't live here anymore.

There is also the issue of "closure." While I don't think it is absolutely necessary to close all doors in my hometown, it is pertinent that I close some, going on little more than faith that streamlining my goals will yield greater results in the direction I want to go. In other words, a little backup is fine. Too much backup means I can't grow as much where I want to grow or as quickly (one has only so many resources). A risk is needed. Darn it all. I need to get out of this boat!

So where do I find myself at this point? I see that for a short time, I am living parallel lives. I can jump from one to the other, but there will come a point, probably very soon, where I need to choose one 100%. All signs point to choosing Nashville, even though I still don't have a job. This is highly motivating, yet I am still afraid of disappointing- of meeting up with important people and letting them down by not being good enough. I shouldn't worry because I have a peace and reassurance from the Lord. End of discussion. There will be something if I take what I have been given and use it faithfully. In His way and His timing. After all, what do I have that has not been given to me?

With that, I'll conclude with lyrics to one of my favorite songs, period. "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman (highlighting mine):

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Chorus (3x):
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things You told me
That You are strong
And You love me
Yes, You love me

(Chorus 4x)

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

It's OK not to know everything right now!

As I was working on some networking points and revamping my resume, I came across this message my orchestra conductor from college delivered during a chapel service. It is an excellent illustration of the commands we are given vs. ones we often impose on ourselves. The truth is, no matter what we know or don't know regarding the future and plans, we will be fine if we pursue each moment with faithfulness and careful listening to the nudgings of the Holy Spirit. Enjoy.

Bruce Houglum, Associate Professor, Music; Conductor, The Concordia Orchestra

Psalm 37:3-9

3. "Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. 4. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. 6. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgement as the noonday. 7. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him; fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. 8. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. 9. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.

Trust in The Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper - it lonely leads to harm.

For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

Good morning!

I come to you today, speaking in chapel with more than a little fear and trepidation. Because here at Concordia, most of the time I say very little and often I can be found waving my arms wildly in the direction of a group of students. And sometimes I do this in public but with my back turned to the them I am mostly used to expressing myself by means of small black dots on the page that somehow transmit themselves to musical sounds. And these sounds have as little as possible to do with words - no offence to my choir colleagues. From today's scripture reading: "Trust in the Lord and do good, so shall you dwell in the land and shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the Lord, trust in Him and He shall bring it to pass. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not; those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth."

This year as I teach in my last year at Concordia, in conversation, people often ask:

"What will you do after you leave Concordia? What are your plans? " This is by far the biggest topic that people confront me with these days as I prepare to retire after being around here in some capacity for the past 38 years, plus five more elsewhere and four more before that, when I was a student here at the college.

My answer is always the same: "I don't know". I suppose that might be a fairly common answer among those contemplating retirement from something that has pretty much totally occupied them for so long. Many people have said "you have to have a plan, you have to know ahead of time what is going to keep you from going crazy with all of the extra time and change in responsibility." Indeed, even my medical doctor has been adamant. He says: "get it all planned out, I see too many people with mental and physical problems sitting alone when their careers are over". I can see their point. While I am looking forward to being done with work, I have truly enjoyed my time at Concordia. Many times I have collected my check at the end of the month and thought: "What?, I get paid for this too?" The students, oh the wonderful students, I easily remember each of them even from many years ago and many I still hear from regularly and count as friends and colleagues. I cannot imagine a better crowd to work with - what a privilege. And my colleagues in the music department and across the campus - the best! And the opportunity to prepare and perform the masterpieces of musical literature at such a high level - to communicate with the masters on a daily basis, I suppose you could say, (any would be conductor would probably give their right arm for a similar opportunity in this job market for musicians. So I can understand where everyone is coming from. However, I am not worried in the least. Psalm 37: Trust in the Lord and do good, so shall you dwell in the land and shall be fed. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way unto the Lord, trust in Him and He shall bring it to pass. Those that wait on the Lord, they shall inherit the earth. It sounds pretty simple. I have tried to live by those verses from Psalm 37 for many years and it has made all the difference. Key words: Commands, if you will. Trust in the Lord. Delight yourself in the Lord. Commit your way to the Lord. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently. Don't fret or be angry. Wait upon the Lord. But you see, each of those commands comes with a promise: Trust in the Lord and you shall dwell in the land and be fed. (Always a good thing when contemplating retirement.) Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (my goodness). Commit your way, and trust, and He will bring it to pass. Those that rest in the Lord and wait patiently shall inherit the earth. Pretty big promises for such simple commands.

Many years ago when Dr. J. Robert Hanson retired as conductor of the Concordia Orchestra, several people (including myself) encouraged me to apply for the position. These verses from Psalm 37 were going to be put to another test. As I had committed my way to the Lord years before, I felt that I was then in the right place concerning my vocation and I wondered if this was something I should pursue.

So I committed it to the Lord, trusted in Him, waited on Him and listened real hard.

It became clear rather quickly that this was not something for me to do. I should mention at this point, that over time, I noticed that when I committed, trusted, rested, etc. in the Lord and listened (waited) real hard, I began to discern subtle but definite signals that I firmly believe are from the Lord. So when I determined that the answer was no I have to admit that I was disappointed, but I tried not to fret and I rested and did the best I could to delight in this what I thought to be a rather curious decision. It turned out that that first search to replace Bob Hanson ended up to be a failed search and the department, in a tough spot for the coming year, approached me out of the blue and wondered if I would consider taking a one year appointment while the search continued a second year. So it was back to committing, trusting, waiting, delighting etc. However, this time as the deadline approached the answer was yes and everything fell easily into place. And still, again, I went through the same process when it came time to apply for the position during the second search. This time the answer was yes and I ended up being the successful candidate. I don't know why the answer to my prayer asking to apply was no in the first place, but, in hindsight, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have been the successful candidate in the first search. It was only in the substitute year, when I had a chance to have a free year proving myself that my value as the next director must have become apparent. I refer to this circumstance only to illustrate why I am reluctant to answer the questions of colleagues, friends and my physician. You see, I am still committing, trusting, waiting (now after many go-arounds with Psalm 37 through all these years) - waiting in delight about what will be next. I believe the promises! Right now I only know that now is the time to retire. And that is remarkable in itself because I have found in all of dealings I have had with the Lord that he is never late with his advice but he is never early either. Remarkably this direction to retire came early. (I think he was taking mercy on the music department search committee who are still sifting through more than fifty applications.) So, the point of all of this rambling is The Lord God is a good God, a faithful God who keeps his promises, a benevolent God who I firmly believe has only our best in mind. All he asks of us is to commit, trust, wait, listen, delight, don't fret or be angry.... and In return, He will give us the desires of our heart.

SOLI DEO GLORIA

Connecting and Confirmation

Yesterday, I was invited to attend a worship service at Journey Church in Franklin, TN. I had heard about their awesome commitment to community building through small groups as well as their non-pretentious atmosphere and teaching. I was not disappointed. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind and heart I was in the right place at the right time.

The service began with music, which is something pretty formulaic in most churches I have attended. The opening song was none other than my favorite (or very nearly favorite) song, "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman from Switchfoot. Looking at the people around me, I saw few mouths moving which indicated it was a new song for them. I, however, have introduced this very song to my congregation at Calvary Church at Village Green in Moorhead, MN. I know it and know it well. The second song was Amazing Grace, aka my favorite hymn. Closing songs were "Never Let Go" which I sang and played with the Calvary Praise Band just last Sunday and Gungor's "Beautiful Things." What is Gungor's significance? It is the band with whom I came close to getting an audition in Nashville back in June, per a good friend's (who is well established in the industry) recommendation. God speaks in amazing ways. As if this wasn't enough, the sermon had a focus on jumping off the cliff- courage, adventure, which is where I am at, AND the worship leader was from Willmar, MN and had been in Fargo last week. Hmmm...

I also got to meet up with part of a small group for lunch, which was awesome! I love meeting new people and sharing how God works in our lives. Can't wait to see them and others Tuesday evening. I love this place more and more every day! Praise God!

Agenda today is to alert the masses to my being in Nashville. Here we go!

I'm here!

Quick post day!

I made it to my house south of Nashville tonight. It is amazing. The stars are incredible. Cool Springs has a Panera. Also had a good time getting to know the new roommate and the house's story. Wow, am I blessed! Now to sleep!

Good night!

Blessings

Tomorrow, I leave Fargo. I plan to fly back for Symphony rehearsals/concerts, but I will be making Tennessee my home. I can't believe this is upon us. Or how good it really is!

I've been blessed by my family, friends and church with some really wonderful send-offs, which I have been careful to remember for days I feel lonely in a new territory with a new journey.

I have also been blessed with a vision. It might sound cliché, but I do hope to play in a band doing ministry. This has been on my heart for quite some time, and the time has now come to pour my life into others in this fashion for the purpose of encouragement, worship, and proclaiming THE good news.

Every worry, every concern, every prayer, has been heard by my God, who has taken care of it and given me peace. Just two days ago, I was feeling restless about wanting a friend/fellowship in Tennessee, when I received an email from a quite unexpected source, telling me they were praying for me and sharing opportunities, plans and advice for when I settle into my new place. Such astounding joy replaced the heavy burden of the unknown nearly instantly. Praise God!

Even though the situation in which I find myself in just two days may be slightly out-of-the ordinary, especially for me, I cannot help but see God's hand in it all. It is all too perfect- too beautifully orchestrated with impeccable detail- for it to be anything besides.

Time to get the car ready!

Oh, foolishness

With the kinds of responses I have gotten from my latest post, I am guessing that may just have been a great example of that foolishness that has the power to humble a person... the post carried with it the air of cynicism, which is something that has no place in me or this blog. So, I am reevaluating. I am learning. I am straining toward what is ahead. I want this blog to reflect that and the God I trust (and learn to trust more by the day). Thanks for reading and for walking this walk alongside me!

"Hope it works out for you there..."

In retrospect, and after reading a very thoughtful comment from a dear friend/mentor of mine, I would like to say, before you read this, that I know the words about which I write (see the title) are meant, for the most part, in love. If any of you read this and have said these words, know that I KNOW you mean well. At this point of the journey, I am fighting back my own fears of inadequacy, and that sometimes affects the way I interpret words sent my way.
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Today's post is a bit of a rant. Not a hateful or needlessly angry rant. Perhaps more of an impassioned essay. Anyway, here it is.

Since I have moved back home with my mom and brother, Carter, and with that the beginning of the school year, I have been approached by more people than I thought I knew about my plans for this fall.

Most of these are people from church or friends of close friends who wish to confirm a rumor they heard about my not teaching and moving to Tennessee. At this point, with the big move very much upon us, I am more than content to share my story. It usually goes something like this:

Person: "Hi, Kelly! Is it true you are moving? When do you go?"
Me: "Hi, (Insert Person's name here)! Yes, it is! The plan right now is to leave for the Nashville area after church on the 25th."
Person: "Oh, wow! So you're not teaching...?"
Me: "Nope! Not teaching this year. I feel that the Lord has been nudging my heart, especially over the past two years, to pursue full-time ministry with my music, and Tennessee is the place He has been pointing to. This is the time I can do it too- 25, single, no kids, and no mortgage.* There are things I can do now in my life I may not be available to do in a future season."
Person: "What do you plan to do there? Do you have a place to live?"
Me: "No job yet, but I am looking into substitute teaching to supplement my income, when needed. That will free me up to do auditions and visit churches, make connections and see what God has for me."
Person: "We'll really miss you here in Fargo!"
Me: "And I'll miss you! But, I plan to fly back for all of the Symphony concerts I am able to play, so it won't be like I am GONE gone."
Person: "Oh, that's good. How long do you plan to be in Nashville?"
Me: "At least a year, maybe indefinitely."
Person: "Well, I hope it works out for you there. And you can always come back if it doesn't."

Thoughts?
Has anyone else been dealt these words?

Now, I know they are meant in love. I know these words come from those who have supported and lifted me up in one way or another, possibly my entire life. Unfortunately, these words speak a message of failure to my heart.

Point #1- The Lord is leading me.
Proverbs 1:7 clearly states that "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." If I do not respond to the call of God, woe to me! He has made it abundantly clear that I need to go. If He calls me to go, then He will provide. He has already blessed me with an awesome place to live, near relatives, and a Christian roommate who is connected to a church family. All this, and you think God would not also provide opportunities to minister? Opportunities to use my gifts, my music for His Glory? I have no doubt there will be opportunities to serve, if I make myself available and willing.

I might also note that I am NOT going to Nashville to "make it big." I have been blessed with resources on which to live for at least a year so that I might do what I can do to the fullest. If playing in teeny tiny rural churches with nothing but an out of tune piano is my calling, I will glorify God in my work, with heart and soul.** If God calls me to tour with a well-known group, I will work so God may be glorified in the same way. It doesn't matter. The money doesn't matter (God will provide what I need, when I need it). My open hands matter. My willing heart matters. I am going to serve, not to become famous. And if that purpose ever changes in my heart, please smack some sense into me!

Point#2- This phrase is not often used in familiar situations.
Below is a series of examples that would be preposterous situations for the phrase "I hope it works out for you there." This phrase has the potential, in certain circumstances, to inspire a sense of failure and lack of trust. Read the example and imagine telling a person "I hope it works out for you there. If it doesn't work, you can always come back." You'll get the idea- especially with regards to ministry positions.
a) Going to college.
b) Getting Married.
c) First day of work at a new job.
d) Missionary seeking support and going to an assignment in a foreign country
e) Pastor being called to a new assignment (Or, like Francis Chan, who left the church he started to serve people in inner-city San Francisco)

Keep in mind that when God says, "Go," a contingency plan is not needed. When Lot's wife so much as looked back, she turned into a pillar of salt. Hmm. Something to think about.

Notes
* These are not bad things. In fact, these are very good things I hope to have and steward someday. Today, however, I need to walk in my current calling. Tomorrow could be different. But I can't do anything about that, now can I?

**If you want to hear an amazing song about calling and glorifying God in the most humble ways, listen to the song, "Anyplace," by Reilly (formerly John Reilly Band). SO. GOOD. Might this be the continual state of my heart toward service.

Checklist T-16 days

16 days...

Being Kelly Aus, I naturally gravitate toward the busy end of the use-of-time spectrum. Even though I am not teaching in the conventional sense, I am running around like crazy- and feeling like I am getting nothing done.

My schedule for the past few days has involved many hours at Great Harvest Bread in the mornings and early afternoons followed by a shower, possibly a quick nap, lessons, errands, get-togethers/send-offs, and meetings. While these are important, it dawned on me today that I have just over 2 weeks to do everything I need to do in Fargo before I go off to Nashville, and I know little about what I am doing in Nashville once I get there. Much as I don't like them, I am in a bit of a "pickle."

For my friends who might be praying over me and this journey, as well as for my own sense of accountability, here is my Nashville checklist. Enjoy. And may I rely on God's strength get me through it!

• Send an email to my relatives outlining my specific plans/understood calling so they may lift me up on this journey, and so I might encourage them with stories of God's working in my life & the lives of those I encounter.
• GET RID OF STUFF. Sell it; Give it away; Designate what to keep; Decide what to bring now and later.
• Mail a gift to my sister (which is long-overdue... Sorry Katie! I owe you a phone call too!)
• Give my friend and former roommate, Jen, a proper send-off before she moves to Paris, France.
• Communicate with the rest of my private lesson students my plans for the year and help set them up with new teachers.
• Create a detailed budget- in addition to the very basic one I have.
• Get the VW in for an oil change.
• Make a list of addresses of good friends.
• Eat at the Green Market and eat a JL Beer's burger at least once, respectively.
• Buy a plane ticket to come back for my first Symphony Week.
• Get legally set up in TN for subbing, etc.
• Finalize critical details for the Reilly concert and find helpers to carry on some of my duties while I'm gone.
• Do not let a day go by without A)Quality time in the Bible B)Quiet time in prayer C)Practicing violin
• Make sure my website is up and running. Print business cards. Record new sound samples.
• Start looking for potential opportunities in Nashville. (Most of this will happen once I am down there, settling in.)
  
• ENJOY HOME AND FAMILY. So easy to forget, but so crucial. I am so blessed to be here and blessed to have these people in my life.
  

Thanks for reading. Please pray! I am more than excited to see what God has planned for me!

Have Faith!

After a 4 hour drive through the night, my friends, Neil & Lindsey and Shane & Melinda and I arrived back in Fargo-Moorhead. Just before 5am. On a Sunday. With all of us in charge of leading worship at our respective churches early in the morning. Why?

We attended a day at the Lifelight Music Festival in Worthing (close to Sioux Falls), SD, and it was amazing. Hearing the Gospel never gets old. Being convicted of sin, pride and fear is refreshing and challenging. Encouragement through music and musicians fills one’s tank to go on to the next thing. And getting to witness Francis Chan & his message was…well…amazing. Praise God! He used this and the messages from the bands (namely Reilly, Sanctus Real, and Tenth Avenue North) to soften my heart for the work He is doing in me.

Hebrews 11:1 states, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

I was deeply convicted at this festival as I was conversing with friends from one of the bands. They asked me how my plans to move to Nashville were shaping up, if I had a place to live and where, and if I had any gigs lined up. As I explained where I was living, again SO grateful to God for his awesome provision, I allowed myself to let the faithlessness thing slip through.

I said, “The location is amazing because it is less than 5 miles from 3 different school districts. That way, I can always substitute teach.” To which I received the response, “Is it your goal to teach there?”

Um…No. It’s not. Not at all.

Oof. You see, I have been working in my head- which tends to seep into the heart- ways to explain my move while seeming “wise.” I have rehearsed and rehearsed this same response and practiced it on many of my colleagues, students and even church members. It is almost as if I have emphasized my “plan B” over my “plan A” because “plan A” requires absolute surrender and trust in God to lead and provide. And THAT, my friends, is difficult to explain.

Unless you are speaking face-to-face with someone who is living “plan A” every day of their lives.

It is speaking to this person that makes “plan B” complete and utter foolishness. After all, if God is calling me to music ministry in Nashville, what makes me think He won’t follow through? Why am I afraid of not having enough when the call is to surrender everything? Why do I think I need to cover my tracks with expectations and suppositions that God can’t do the work through me that I quit my job and am leaving my home to be available to do? As in- I better make sure I don’t look foolish because God can’t or won’t. Because certainly. I CAN.

How arrogant and faithless is that?

Where do I get off with this thinking upon entering MINISTRY?

How will I ever know God’s strength when I decide not to lean on Him?

How will I ever have a testimony worth sharing if I have never truly had to trust Him and act faithfully myself?

What hypocrisy to proclaim the Good News publically as a musician, yet not live a sincere and broken response to that very message?

I am in the midst of addressing these things in my heart and trusting the Holy Spirit to change my heart to be fully committed to and in love with Him. Take away my pride, arrogance and fear so I may live fearlessly in the light of the Gospel. I want nothing hindering God’s work in and through me. May my testimony be that of faith and power to those who need to hear about God. God, use me. Might I become a catalyst of the sharing of your Gospel for the saving of many. Amen.

Holiness

First, an update:
I haven't written anything in a while because I have recently had my wisdom teeth out (hastily, while I still had insurance through the school system) and moved out of my apartment and back in with my family for the next 3.5 weeks. Whew! Praise God for an excellent surgeon and a smooth recovery so far! And also, for a family who is willing to have me back, and even help me haul my stuff across town.

So, a few days ago, I was met with a conviction. That of true holiness. You know, that "set apart for the glory of God" kind of holiness.

The world is full of compromises and even commandments that belittle the Word of God. This isn't new to our culture. Jesus addresses it with the pharisees putting their own traditions before the commands of God, even to the point of contradicting them. (see Mark 7:6-13 below)

I had wondered why Jesus chose to speak about teaching regarding the honoring of father and mother and not some other teaching. Later that morning, I got frustrated with my mother because I wanted her to be more decisive about whether we were going to coffee that morning. It was absolutely stupid of me- we go for coffee all the time, and I should have been patient with the other things she was doing that morning, but I chose instead to be selfish, arrogant, and frustrated. I reacted instead of having compassion and faith that we would have time to discuss what needed to be discussed just staying at home. I opened my mouth too wide and felt immense pain because it pulled on the stitches still in from my surgery. I felt it all day as a reminder of having learned my lesson. I need to be more mature than this. I need to deepen my faith that God will provide and that it is never fair to project perfection onto an imperfect human being. God meets us with compassion so that we may meet our brethren with the same compassion. I was quickly convicted, repented and was reconciled to my mother who forgave me for the pain I caused her.

All this got me thinking of what it means to be holy. To choose the better way. To go against feelings and lean on God's Truth. It is so easy to get sucked into a "whatever feels right" mentality, but that so often is contrary to what IS right. Often, when we are reactive, that results from an inability (or choice not) to trust God. He has so many promises for us that He fulfills daily.

This illustration came to mind. Think about two single people. They both lead lives committed to the Lord and hope to one day meet their spouse and be able to give all they are to that person, without baggage and without regret. One of the two, after waiting a long time and seeing others enter into relationships that are not holy-or not of the standard of their conviction, begins to wane on faith that there will ever be a complement to them. This person, instead of pursuing God during this time, allows their view to be broadened, eventually allowing the attention of another to grasp their time and attention. This causes confusion and eventually a blurring of boundaries- not far at all by the world's standards, but definitely not holding to the original conviction in the end. This eventually ends, but leaves some hurt and baggage that would not be there had they remained aware of the warnings. This person begins to believe that standards are possible, but that everyone has baggage, so this person needs to learn how to forgive and accept past sin instead of holding out for one who has continued to pursue holiness. The other single person remains steadfast. At once, these two meet, both seemingly "holy" by the world's standards, but the one's sin (lack of faith) magnified by the other's real, tested and true faith. The sinner has every right to be turned away by the holy person, just as God has every right to turn us away with our sin (or rather, pride and unfaithfulness).

What does God do, however?

He loves us. He heals us. He sacrificed that which was most valuable for us. He shows us another way so we can live, follow, grow and be complete. He desires our holiness, but we can't know that based on man's standards. We know love, holiness because he desires that we know Him.

How grateful I am for a God such as this. May I forever be challenged by His love and the life He gives me so willingly, despite what is deserved!

Mark 7:6-13
⁶ He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written:

“‘These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
⁷ They worship me in vain;
their teachings are merely human rules.’^[b]

⁸ You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions.”

⁹ And he continued, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe^[c] your own traditions! ¹⁰ For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’^[d] and, ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’^{[e] 11} But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is Corban (that is, devoted to God)— ¹² then you no longer let them do anything for their father or mother. ¹³ Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that."

The truth about goodbyes

Hello.

As I mentioned in The Hard Things, I have been called to a new place with a new purpose, and that means saying goodbye to the old place. This is painful.

Today I told another student I was leaving. I also got together with the person who was hired to be my replacement to fill her in on the job she will be doing this school year. This is heart-wrenching.

Leaving is something I've never experienced. When people become Christians as adults, they seem to have an old life vs. new life change. I believed when I was five. It has been a process- gradual, not sudden. When I "left" for college, that was the norm, no matter where you went. You were expected to leave. And I basically stayed when I left, because I went across the river for school. After college, I came right back. Now that I have had a "good" job, it is expected that I stay, yet I am leaving.

Temptation: To feel like I made a mistake. To stay in Fargo. To refrain from severing any ties to this area. To apologize for leaving. To say I'm "trying it" for a year and I might be back. To beg for my job back. To not tell anyone else, lest I cause them pain too. To become scared and distracted and not fulfill my purpose in TN.

But that would be wrong to act on those. God has made it clear, and I need not please anyone (including myself) but Him. I am His vessel, and my purpose is simply how He chooses to use me. Right now, I need to be used by Him in Nashville. Maintaining life in Fargo as I know it will hinder me from doing the task at hand. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But it will be worth it. And no apology is needed.

In addition, God uses some people's goodbyes to open doors for other people. The person who will be replacing me is strikingly...like...me. She needed a job, and God provided an opportunity for her. My leaving meant good for her. It will mean new beginnings for my students. New opportunities for those who need. And maybe, someday, I will find a new opportunity to serve because God called someone to leave. This is his blessing. I am not leaving and going toward nothing. I am obeying the call, trusting that I am moving toward something.

Fruit vs. Thorns

Mark 4:18-20 (ESV)
And others are the ones sown among thorns. They are those who hear the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. But those that were sown on the good soil are the ones who hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.

This is serious stuff.

Two nights ago, I was hanging out with a couple of good friends on our way to the Pyrotechnics Guild International Convention Finale. For those unfamiliar with this event, it is a week-long celebration of fireworks that comes to West Fargo, ND once every four years, with four public displays. A storm came in shortly before the show was due to start, and my friends began to speak of going to heaven during a fireworks display. My immediate reaction was...huh?... there's so much I have to do here to further the kingdom...have I really ordered my life such that I can and am bearing fruit? What if I haven't... OH! You mean the second coming of Christ? Yeah, that would be amazing.

Whoa. Probably not the right initial reaction.

You see, it got me thinking about bearing fruit, and I had just read this passage in Mark earlier that day. What is it that I have been asked to do? What opportunities have I had to grow stronger and bear fruit for the harvest? Remember what happened to the fig tree that did not bear fruit? (Matt. 21:18-19) What do I do and how do I feel when I try to grow plants and herbs that do not bear fruit? What are they good for without their fruit? If I am bearing fruit, is it good or bad? After all, we also read, "by their fruit you will know them." (Matt 7:19-20)

In this season of life, I am finding an abundance of thorns that threaten the word planted in me. There are distractions abounding that include things as simple as Facebook or sleep. The desire to press on and practice new skills on my violin are sometimes fleeting. It is easy to fear lack of finances and other benefits to having a normal, safe job. It is easier to fear what people think of my leaving a "good job." It is easy to want things like a husband or a vacation or a new wardrobe or a cello. It is easy to choose sleep over the paperwork I need to complete. It is easy to choose fear over action when seeking out audition opportunities. It is easy to succumb to the vices of jealousy for others' talent, direction, connections and attention. In order to have good soil to yield good fruit, we need to clear away some thorns.

Growing fruit is hard, and sometimes you have to hunt well for good fruit. Even at a grocery store. It may not be prominently displayed, but it is there, and it is good. You often have to test it. If it looks good, it may not smell or feel good. Or it might be amazing. I want to bear fruit that is pleasing to my Master. Even if it is not prominently displayed, it makes the fruit no less good. To grow it, I may have to allow some branches to be cut off, but it will only strengthen me and better the fruit in the end.

To conclude, I do often long for heaven. Whenever I feel the pain or lack of reality in a commercial culture, I long to be set free from it and rejoice that there will be such a day for the ultimate reality and love. Today, my job is to work hard with what I have been given to properly tend the soil of my soul and bear fruit in the best way I can, so I might not be ashamed. So, friends, go today and cultivate your garden. Bear fruit so we may someday partake in the joy of the harvest!

I did it! Finally!

Good afternoon, all!

Thanks to some good accountability and help from my brother and his friends, I cleaned out my last remaining classroom space and turned in my keys. It was surprisingly easy and immensely freeing. There's definitely no turning back now! I'm experiencing that peace that transcends all understanding, bit by bit. For whatever reason, hard as it is to say goodbyes to beloved students and colleagues, there is everything right about the move I am making.

God is taking care of the details in amazing ways. I am speaking of where I will be living in Tennessee. The situation is astonishing in the best of ways. I found this place via Twitter, of all things. A person/acquaintance I follow re-tweeted someone's tweet about needing trustworthy Christian roommates in the Nashville area this fall. Hmm... That alone caught my attention, as I had just begun my search for living accommodations in the area.

I inquired and received a response right away. The price was right, although the location was a bit out of the way from Nashville itself. Upon doing a bit of research, I found that the location is actually AMAZING due to its proximity to not one, but three school districts, availing me the opportunity to substitute teach and/or teach lessons. It is not IN Nashville, which affords me some peace and focus (AKA- Reality vs. the lack of in the big city of Nashville where Music Industry is the reigning king), but it is close enough to be readily available for auditions, ministry and gigging. Also, it is 25-30 min. from my relatives in the area.

As if that wasn't good enough, it is my dream home. Truly. Since I was a little girl, THIS is the house I have pictured. Brick (SO smart), white trim, pillars, and just outside of town. Not too huge, but not teeny either. One can see the stars clearly there. It has a porch. It has a PORCH!!! Um...can you say, fresh squeezed lemonade + a wonderful book, enjoying God and His creation? Or a gathering of good friends, just talking and looking at the stars? Sigh. And I knew nothing of this when I began to inquire, but it has unfolded into what is really the perfect situation for me at this time. Did I mention it has a breakfast nook*?!?

I will not be moving until the end of September because I have to tie up my loose ends in Fargo, and the house is undergoing a few repairs and renovations. I cannot help but consider John 14 ¹ “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me. ² My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?
A place is being prepared here too. So I may effectively follow, serve and grow. I praise God for this sense of anticipation and for the encouragements I am receiving by the day. May I not forget to work hard at everything I do nor fear the hard things I must yet do!

*Breakfast nook: Not to be confused with Nook, the ebook reader from Barnes and Noble. We are speaking of THE ultimate test of a good living space.

God and Money

This one will be quick.
Have you ever worried? Yeah. Me too.

Last week, the thermostat light came on my car, which has happened a couple of times in the past, but it turned off simply by shutting the car off and starting it again. Except this time. It stayed on, so I quickly came home from my EARLY morning bakery shift to check my VW manual. Everything there warned me to take it in ASAP or risk totally ruining my engine. After a phone call to my older brother, Jason, I decided I better make an appointment to take it in.

I hoped and prayed this wouldn't cost me much, as insurance is due this month for the car and I have had several unexpected bills and such this summer. I was really hoping to meet my savings goal for living in TN for a year. Frugally, yes, but definitely able to eat, sleep, breathe and maybe even drive to an audition or two. An unforeseen mechanic bill did not make me feel terribly overjoyed.

I wrote the check for the cracked cooling system tank(?) and labor(it was, at least $15-30 cheaper than I was originally quoted), knowing this was less than a whole new engine AND system later on, trusting God to make the finances work out. I arrived home, a little disappointed, but glad for a working vehicle which will once again take me to my new home in the South. I checked the mail, and there it was. A check I did not expect. Apparently, I was due a tax refund, and mistakes were fixed- in my favor! Aside from feeling like I just drew a good Monopoly card, I was overcome by the faithfulness of God. Despite my doubt, despite my sin and rebellion, He saw my need and provided for it. I have no need for worry in this or any other situation. God has been very good to me!

The Hard Things

Happy August!

Sort of...

August has always been the month to prepare for and anticipate the coming school year. In conversations with teacher friends of mine, I find myself saying things like "Well, that's the kind of teacher I strive to be," and "When I plan for my classes I..." It makes it so strange for this to be the first year in my entire recollection of being alive that I haven't had a school year to look forward to. And this makes me the slightest bit uncomfortable.

You see, I love school. I always have. That's a big part of why I became a teacher. I love school supplies and new beginnings and looking for deals on potential additions to my professional wardrobe. I love students and brick buildings with newly waxed floors and filling empty classrooms with posters of music propaganda. I love the camaraderie of staff and the great big meetings followed by professional development. I love the feeling that I am one year better than I used to be.

I left all of that. Willingly. Am I crazy? (don't forget benefits and "job security"...)

This blog is called "The Importance of Being Foolish." I do not intend to disappoint :)
Matthew 19:29 says this:
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

The context of this verse deals with Jesus telling his disciples how difficult it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God without God himself working in them. The disciples literally left everything- jobs, families, and the futures they had dreamed for themselves. In other words, they not only left their livelihoods, but also the potential to grow wealthy and comfortable and probably the opinions of community and family members. I'm sure a dental plan or two was sacrificed in the process. Simply put, they were called by Jesus and responded immediately.

Matthew 4:20 says At once they left their nets and followed him. That would be the equivalent of a teacher walking out of a school building during the first or second class of the morning with no explanation besides, "Jesus called me." Can you imagine the response? Especially to someone who claims to be a Christian? Christians are supposed to have things planned out, should always persevere in their field of work and should never leave anything undone, right? They certainly aren't supposed to make spur-of-the-moment life-altering decisions that impact family, friends and future? Or are they?

The way I see it is that Jesus' disciples had been doing exactly what they were called to do as career men and business apprentices. Until they were called to something else.

I believe I have been called to something else. God is not above speaking my language, and I cannot mistake the call to "Go." Whenever I lose focus, I begin to feel crazy, alone and worried that I was wrong. When my eyes are back on Him, I am so totally excited to give all I am to minister through my music and other gifts.

To those of you who teach or program or work in whatever field you work in, that is your ministry for now. Do it with everything you are, but, as one brother in Christ advised me, if you have doubts about where you are and what you are doing (not anxious/worried doubts, but doubts placed in your heart that tell you there is something else you should be doing), listen. You will never be sorry you responded to the calling of the Holy Spirit. This is my reality, and God is my treasure. May He be yours as well.

Peace.

Conviction

As I was cleaning out my closet yesterday, deciding what to keep and what to give away, throw away or sell, and generally reorganizing, I listened to several sermons by Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA. I enjoy listening to many of his sermons because he takes every single one of them back to Christ. And without a trace of apology about the Gospel. At this point in my life, looking at a very different sort of future than the get married-have kids-work 35 years at the same job-retire at the lake formula, feeling a need to minister through music, I need to get back to the basics, spiritually.

And wouldn't you know it? God used these sermons not only to help me clean my closet, but also my heart.

One of the biggest convictions was that of idolatry. I've been a semi-Type A person most of my life. I get things done, and generally quite well. That also makes me a bit of a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is not a sin until it becomes a continual search for approval from people instead of God. And if God gives the go-ahead to do something, we are to test it, yes, but not drag our feet until someone sings our praises before we do what we are to do. I have been idolizing human approval instead of trusting God to go forward, speaking the truth- even just the truth that I am moving to TN- without apology. After all, is THIS not part of my witness, my testimony?

In addition, after a most delightful conversation with my dear friend, Amber, I plan to make a list of God's blessings in my life. When the going gets tough and tougher, it will serve as a good reminder that God is in control and that he loves me through it all. I might encourage you to do the same!

REILLY is coming to Fargo-Moorhead

That's right, folks! Save the date(s)! REILLY - www.reillytheband.com, is coming to Calvary Church at Village Green to play a concert the night of November 5th and join us for worship on the morning of Sunday the 6th. Calvary has never brought in guests like this, and I hope to see God do amazing things through it. Music is such a powerful medium for teaching, worship and expression. Come one, come all! Bring your family! Bring your friends! And if you think your drive is long, I plan to fly in from Tennessee to be there! In other words, no excuses ;)

If you haven't noticed, I believe very strongly in their ministry. If you do too, check out their Baby Needs a Bus campaign. REILLY really is a family operation, and they are feeling a great need for the space, privacy and freedom that a tour bus would provide them over a van. Every little bit of help adds up! www.reillytheband.com/babyneedsabus

Patience and Persistence

A posting entitled "Patience and Persistence" warrants something long and in-depth. Since I don't expect this to be long by my standards, maybe the I'll post something in the future called "Patience and Persistence #2," "Part deux," "B," or "Persistence and Patience."

Last week, I went to the Sonshine Festival in Willmar, MN. This is what I would consider to be my "home" festival, since it is only a 3 hour drive from Fargo, and this year marked my 8th or 9th Sonshine in the past 11 years.

As usual, God had much to speak to my heart. He also provided some of the most amazing conversations I have ever had at a festival, many of which touched on giving generously, using my music to His Glory, and transition. I met new people and seemingly randomly ran into some old friends too. Even the rains and mass amounts of mud provided opportunity to escape to Caribou Coffee for some website work and reconnecting with a good friend.

Things I learned or was reminded of:
- When God says, "Go," go, and He will lovingly take care of your needs and provide opportunity to connect, serve, and grow.
- Remaining humble is key in so much. Any work, done well unto the Lord, is a ministry to glorify God. Music ministry is like being a tour guide to draw the heart into worship and prepare it to receive teaching. If you are not an active worshipper focused on God, you will not be able to lead people through worship effectively. It is not about YOU.
- As a young person pursuing full-time music ministry, it is important that a precedence be set, for what I decide to be today will likely follow me throughout my career. If I place emphasis on connecting with people (while carefully maintaining a level of privacy), doors can open in connecting people with the music and the One we're all singing about. It would be a shame to lose that connection and risk "exclusivity" in the name of privacy. Better to be wise in the beginning, no matter how and where God chooses to use my abilities.
- My abilities and gifts are enough to be used by God. Are there better musicians out there? Sure. Do others have more experience? Yep. Do some people have better equipment, looks, connections, support, creativity, and less in student loans to pay over the next few years? Absolutely. It does not mean, however, that I am useless. Any properly invested and stewarded gift can bear fruit. If I label my gifts "not good enough" I am likely to bury them in the sand like the servant did with the one talent in Matthew 25 (v.25). No fear!

Back to the title...
Patience.
As a musician, nothing comes immediately. I see it in my students. So many want to rush through a piece and call it good, when they are neglecting the technique that makes everything better in the long run. You have to trust that the slow route is often the best, even if you can't see the results right away.
Also, I need to have confidence in God's provision for a place to live (haven't heard back from my one really good lead in a week now...), a job, and opportunities to play. Sometimes, one just has to wait after sending out the call, at least for a little bit. It's hard on my pride not knowing so many things. It feels as though I should be able to completely answer everyone's questions with an extremely well-thought-out plan, but I can't right now.

Persistence.
This is no easy road, especially since few walk it with me. As a person who likes to follow a pattern, this is new to me. I just have to lean on my God. As I was watching Hell's Kitchen with my roommate last night, I said to her, "If I KNEW I was going to be on this show and have to cook for Gordan Ramsay, I would spend every waking minute cooking like crazy to hone my skills before I went." Ha. Talk about conviction. I know my move is coming, but am I acting with urgency? Am I taking God at His word and responding accordingly, preparing to do good works that He has ordained in advance for me? (Ephesians 2)