Well, folks, it has been awhile. Here's the latest on the career:
I had a sense that things were going to start coming together in January, and they did, possibly on one of the worst days I have had in a long time. As if to pull me out of my funk and remind me of God's continuing plan for my life, I was asked to finish out the season as a sub with the Huntsville Symphony Orchestra, and I was offered an interview at the School of Worship in Franklin, TN. Praise God!
I have been teaching at School of Worship for a month now, and it has been a continual blessing. Not only do I have a bunch of really sweet, fantastic, talented, hard-working students, but I have some pretty awesome, accomplished colleagues too! Every week I meet someone new who has a connection to some band I have been listening to forever. I'm not sure if that feeling of amazement will wear off any time soon. I'm not in Fargo anymore...
Which is the perfect segue...
Due to things going well down here for playing and teaching opportunities, I will not be in Fargo until early June for my brother's high school graduation. All in all, that is what I hoped and planned for. What I was not anticipating was the feeling of disconnect from family and friends, of....loneliness.
Let it be known I have not sensed loneliness in this place until two and a half weeks ago. And it HIT HARD. It was, I believe, the result of a whirlwind week hanging out with friends and showing my roommate's friends around Nashville followed by my roommate going back with them, leaving me in a very empty house immediately after. The day after they left, I accepted a set of concerts with the HSO that would prevent me from going back to Fargo in March as I had planned. It set in. Not only was I alone at home and a 45+ minute drive from my nearest acquaintances (who have normal jobs and schedules), but I had to accept the fact I would not see my dearest friends and family for another four months, at best.
As a Christian, I know that God is sufficient for all of my needs, but He also designed us for community. To exist in relationship with others. This is, of course, reflective of His very nature. Yes, I need to be careful of idolizing friends or putting my comfort before my calling, but like other things that nourish, I need to be in close relationship with people both to be filled and to fill.
I am an extrovert. I come alive when I am around other people. I am less likely to turn in on myself or believe the enemy's lies. Meeting with others recalibrates my entire system. What to do?
Yes, I need to continue to seek out relationship - to find others to serve and fill and have fellowship with. Yes, I need to continue to network. Yes, I need to use my time to develop my gifts and talents. And I am doing this more each day. But what about my heart? What about NOW when I begin to feel deeply alone?
1) God provides. It may be a well-times phone call (Thanks, Kat! You don't know how much I needed you right then!), a prompting, or a walk outside for the now. It also helps to remember other seasons of loneliness- like in High School when I prayed fervently for a best friend, who came in the form of my college roommate, or in college when I struggled with nobody knowing my past and feeling superficial with them because of that. Now those are the people I call when I feel that with my Nashville acquaintances. Whatever the occasion, God used my loneliness to draw me to Him, and He provided, more than abundantly, the deep desire of my heart. (*Note- the season of loneliness prepared me for the season of close friendship, and helped me see it as the answer to prayer that it was.)
2) God does not delay. This was in a praise song this Sunday, and it was the reminder I needed. I often fear that I will miss something important if I do not act immediately on the little knowledge I think I have. The truth is, God will bring things to pass as they need to, and not before. We do not know his timing, and He asks us to trust Him. Knowing He will not give me what I am not ready for, I am more willing to trust His purpose in leaving me, at times, seemingly alone.
3) I have a responsibility to remain faithful and spiritually disciplined. How is the enemy lying to me? When am I most likely to believe those lies? Am I being distracted by these thoughts when I could be doing something great? Am I tempted toward sloth? Am I arrogantly and pridefully dictating to God instead of approaching Him humbly, surrendering my right to myself so I can be an effective vessel of the gospel? Am I asking Him to make me a willing, holy servant? Am I desiring His will? Or am I giving way to fear and control?
