Pain and Quorum Sensing Abilities

First, an update, for those who are wondering about my Nashville life:

I am continuing to be blessed in Nashville, especially with opportunities to bless others. Violin-wise, I have been given the opportunity to sub in with the Huntsville Symphony Orchestra in Huntsville, Alabama. I enjoyed playing with the group that recorded "Woody's Round-Up" from the Toy Story movies and met several other musicians who helped point me toward other playing and ministry opportunities in the region. I am currently set to perform again with them this New Year's Eve. I feel that this is the tip of the iceberg and that God is using this opportunity to encourage me and prepare me for greater things.

In addition to this, I have continued to grow closer to my small group, and we have completed our first serve as a "village." My roommate and I also hosted a fantastic Christmas Party- a capacity in which I have ALWAYS wanted to serve, but never quite felt I had the resources to do so. Since I have arrived in Nashville, I have not felt want. I have been filled with all I have needed and more. I have more joy, peace and confidence than I have had at any other point in my life, and I pray I will experience much growth and more joy in this place.

And now to expand on the title of this post:

In recent days, many of those I love have been stricken by some terribly difficult and painful trials. One dear friend is in danger of losing his father to cancer. A couple I know had their beloved foster children taken from them on the basis of a misunderstanding, with no opportunity to plead their case because the state has custody. A family member is struggling to make ends meet for his wife and kids. My grandmother is in the hospital and may be for quite some time...as a best case scenario. One word comes to mind (ND and MN people will understand): UFFDA.

I am glad to be back in ND at this time so I can meet with many of these people and offer support and encouragement; to point them toward Christ, to God's unfailing love and the hope that trumps any trial we face on this earth.

I have come to believe I have been gifted with a joyful, resilient spirit, which is helpful in offering encouragement. My downfall comes not in the form of disbelief, but in sadness over the grief and hurt of those I love and desire greatly to lift up. While I may be able to lift them for a time, it is easy to grow weary as I attempt to shoulder their burden. I told my mom today at lunch that I wish I could be a sponge and absorb all of the hurt and fear my friends are feeling so they could be strong and I could be weak for them. So they could be free to feel the hope I feel for them. She promptly replied, "Kelly, that's why we have Jesus." True, mom. Very true.

In this moment, I am experiencing a heavy heart for all that is going on around me. In addition, unknown and changing plans are hitting me at my weak underbelly, also known as finances. My grandmother is not doing well, yet I am tempted to worry about the lessons I may have to cancel in order to see her. Crazy. As if I don't know that God knows how to provide for me financially...

This brings me to my friend, Lisa, the microbiology expert. She told me about quorum sensing abilities. Essentially, microbes in the body may be numerous and spread out, but do absolutely nothing. They can talk to each other and sense that if they did not lie dormant, the body would overtake them. It is only upon reaching a quantity threshold in which they can do some actual damage that they come into action. Emotions and life situations are much like that. Not having jelly for my toast may not phase me today, but if it happens in light of lack of sleep and worrying about my relatives' well-being, it suddenly becomes a big deal- even bigger if I allow myself to react without thinking. Temptations also enter here and detrimental lies become believable.

So... two things to remember. A) Jesus is THE example of love and has taken our pain and suffering to the cross. He can relate to our trials, and is alive to prove that there is hope. B) The hope we cling to is eternal. We do not- we cannot- understand all of what God is weaving in our lives, but we can trust it has purpose, and that purpose is good. What we have in this life is important, but eternity is the only place we can store up treasure and not lose it. We are, in fact, made for the eternal, are we not? Where is your hope?

A Tale of Two Kellys

Since I moved to Nashville 7 weeks ago, I have spent nearly 3 weeks of that time in Fargo, ND. I just arrived back from my second Symphony week of the year. (For those who may not know, I am planning to play every Masterworks Series concert with the FMSO, as my schedule will allow.)

Upon touching down in Minneapolis on Nov. 2, I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my older brother, driving to Perham, MN, having an amazing dinner cooked by my sister-in-law, playing with my niece and nephew and driving the rest of the way to Fargo with my mom. The next day began at 7:15am working alongside my dear friend, Melinda, and chaperoning a group of students at a music festival all day. Friday through Sunday were completely filled with preparation and production for the Reilly concert and worship at my church in Moorhead, MN. Sunday through Friday I had rehearsals with the FM Symphony Orchestra for concerts on Saturday and Sunday. Not to mention, I also worked a few days at Great Harvest Bread and taught several violin lessons, and I still managed to meet up and hang out with a few close friends. Monday around midnight, I was back home in TN.

One night, my mom mentioned something to the effect of "Oh, of course you are busy," and within hours of her comment, a friend from Symphony remarked that coming back to Fargo meant essentially stepping back into the same exact routine I left. I couldn't help but agree.

Much of my life has been defined by busyness. A carefully crafted schedule. If you wanted to meet up for something as simple as lunch or an hour-long coffee outing, I might have to schedule it weeks in advance. Oftentimes, I would hear people say two things about me: 1) Kelly is really nice and 2) Kelly is a very busy person.

Reflecting on this is fascinating because of the stark contrast my Nashville life has at this point in time. While I have a calendar, it is no longer filled with more notes than I can hope to keep up with. The one thing I seem to have in abundance is TIME - something I can't recall ever having before.

This time thing, while I often feel a bit awkward dealing with it (It is sort of like winning a million dollars when you are used to sacrificing and budgeting every penny carefully to pay everyday bills), is wonderful and perfect for this stage in my life. Three things come to mind: 1) Time to develop solid friendships and connections with others. 2) The ability to say yes to serving opportunies, both at home and elsewhere. 3) Freedom from the strict schedule and time to refocus on my walk in the Lord. I can practice violin, clean, cook, attend a small group, read and catch up with people. There are no barriers to these things- I can do them to my heart's content.

While I do not intend for things to remain as they are indefinitely, schedule-wise, I see God working through the time to redeem it for His purposes. Good things- sometimes unexpected things- have come about simply because I had the time. I desire greatly to lift up those around me, to encourage them, guide them, walk with them. Now I can do that better.

I feel I am living a double life, but I am alright with that for now. I know things will get busy soon enough (it tends to follow me), and while that is a gift, I will gladly receive and use the gift of "free time" effectively how I am led today. I may need to remember this blessing in the future.

Encouragement

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Above is the chorus to Hillsong's version of "Forever Reign." It is a beautiful song, and you should definitely watch the YouTube video and read the rest of the lyrics at the end of this post.

For those who do not know, I grew up without my father in my life. Yes, he is still walking and talking today, but does not seem to care to forge a relationship with his oldest daughter. I have come to forgive this man in order to have an open door to relationship, but he will not take it...yet.

Because of this man not being there, God has taken a very special place as father in my life. Where my own father was fearful, God was trustworthy and fearless. Where the man was absent, my God was present, indwelling- closer than any person can be or will be. Where I might have been considered a "mistake," God adopted me, calling me to a purpose, and that is where I stand today.

Not only has God given me Himself, but He has provided me with incredible testimonies of what Godly men look like who have taken on parts of the earthly father-role in my 25 years. These men include my older brother, grandfather, men from my church and even a few professors and teaching mentors. Not to mention, I was given an incredible mother, who did her best to serve her family as if she were two people! I have never been lacking what I need, nor am I sure I would know what I may have missed out on in my formative years. In reality, I believe God has always provided me with what would shape me best for the next task.

Yesterday, some hopeful news from a friend turned into less hopeful news, which was probably a hard thing for the family involved. My heart is breaking over the situation because I can see fear and fearful things knocking at the door, tempting to steal the joy, hope and peace that have been so well established among them. I desperately want to help, but have no idea what to do currently besides pray and offer whatever encouragement I can. I suppose this is the point faith enters to inflict some damage on those fears. God is sovereign.

Ok. So what connects these two stories? And what do they have to do with a girl going to Nashville to serve through her music?

Since the second is not my story to tell, I will leave it up to you as the reader to interpret how you wish. This family needs prayer, so if you feel inclined, please pray for healing, strength, hope, faith and wisdom. Thank you.

My objective in writing was to provide encouragement. God tends to move my heart through music and song lyrics, so when I practiced last night with the Calvary Praise Band, this song had me nearly in tears. There are fathers who are well and refuse to be there, and there are fathers who are not well and still give all they are to connect and serve in whatever way they are able. Regardless, God is our Heavenly Father, and will not let us down. His purposes may be beyond our understanding, but we can trust they are good and that He will provide everything we need and more.

Think back to the chorus of the song above. Imagine the greatest, most heartfelt embrace you have experienced. One that makes you feel safe, understood, cared for. That is only a shadow of God's embrace. He is there with open arms. Run.

Forever Reign
You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

It's a Start

Well, readers, I have good news! I landed my first gig since relocating to the South!

It isn't huge and it isn't permanent, but it is good. I will be subbing in with the Huntsville Symphony for both Pops series in December! Yes, it is a classical gig, but I am MORE than happy to play my instrument- and get paid to do it! Hopefully this will lead to getting better connected to the musicians in my new region of residence. My feeling is that God is giving me some encouragement right now. I can tell more of His provision. I can take joy in meeting a new challenge with a fine orchestra. I can do what I do well in a new community of people. For this I am thankful. I pray this is only the beginning (and I have every reason to believe that there is more to come!)

On the flip side, I found out a dear friend of mine, whose dream came true in being cast on Broadway, was just told her show has been postponed indefinitely. She may never get the chance to perform her role (swing/understudy to the leading lady) in this show. She is disappointed and I am disappointed for her. There is good in knowing she was cast. That she is worthy of such a role, but questions have to be going through her head and heart about why her dreams came so close- only to be "postponed indefinitely."

I had a similar experience when I thought things were going to work out to play for BarlowGirl last December. God had placed this thing on my heart to be ready to go on a moment's notice for something like that. I even had a bag packed for a month prior because the conviction was so strong (not specifically Barlowgirl- but any band that needed a fill- in violinist). And then, against all odds, I was asked to play. I couldn't believe it. I probably called every close friend and family member who had been praying for this very thing at 11:30 at night. 36 hours later, I was told it would not work out because of the price of plane tickets. It was a huge disappointment. I really pressed into God for answers as to His purpose in it not "working out." I prayed they wouldn't forget me. God answered that HE hadn't forgotten me- and never will. This has given me peace and strength to go forward in faith, and what a journey it has been so far (um...no reference intended, but that did work well, didn't it?)! Bring on the next thing, Lord. Make me ready!

One Month!

I can hardly believe it! I moved down to TN one month and two days ago. I can't decide whether it feels as if I have been here a few days or a few years. Either way, it is my home for today, and I love it.

This morning, I woke to a stunning, piercingly bright sunrise after two days of wind, rain, cold and gloom. What a beautiful sight! I plan to take some pictures today or tomorrow before heading back to Fargo Tuesday. The colors can take a person's breath away, and I hope not to forget them any time soon.

Things are moving along with the job search. I have been hugely blessed by coming into contact with (for lack of a better term) people who know people. In the music industry, a recommendation carries far more weight than a strong resume from an unconnected person. I am learning, slowly but surely, what I need to change in my approach to this career path to be noticed. Even with resume writing, much of what I need to do is contrary to what I was taught to do as a music educator. I welcome the change. I LOVE the freedom, and I am jumping into the unknown with both feet! (After all, isn't that the ONLY way to jump?)

One of those helping me connect with the right people asked me if I was ready to do this. Ready to go and live this crazy life I see before me. My response? Absolutely. Bring it on. The sooner, the better.

I will conclude with a thought to ponder, as I continue to consider it. God's timing is perfect. He orchestrates all things for the good.* Whether I land a gig tomorrow or a month or two from now is by no mistake. I need only be faithful with the resources I have been given, and I trust that God will bring the right sort of work my way, with the right people at the right time. Although I would like to know what is next and am working toward a goal I may not see completely clearly yet, I am not worried. My God has brought me here, to this point, safe and sound. He has given me no reason not to trust Him with every detail of my future as well.


*I love thinking about life in terms of music. There are so many parallels. In thinking of God orchestrating things for the good of those who love Him, I was reminded of the Shostakovich symphony I am preparing to perform in two weeks. I'll admit Shosty is not my favorite composer to play- or listen to. But he was in no small way a master of his craft. The difficult passages, the dissonance and the often unexpected changes within his masterworks may seem purposeless, confusing and even disagreeable when viewed in certain small sections, yet they all work together to communicate a story. The dissonance leads to resolution, and the resolution carries its significance in direct proportion to the level of dissonance. Beautiful.

Things I love about the South

So, y’all (hehe) knew, if you have been following this blog, I was feeling homesick for Nashville when I came back to Fargo for the Symphony week. Now that I am back in my new hometown, I am happier than I have been in…well…ever! College and Music Camp are close seconds, but with the confirmations I see every day, this is the winner.

Never in a million years did I ever dream of living in the South, except maybe when I was ten and dreamed of living on a horse farm in Kentucky. I had never even visited anything beyond Arlington, VA, TX and Orlando, FL until this past June. I came on faith. I sensed God leading me to the Nashville area, and He is speaking SO very clearly to my heart that this is indeed where I am supposed to be.

So, for your reading enjoyment, I have compiled a list of things I love about being where I am. Some of these are confirmations for me being here, but most are just things that bring joy to my heart as I notice them around me.

· Southern Hospitality- It is alive and well. And probably better than “Minnesota Nice.” Sorry, MN. Having a complete stranger hold the door to Chick-Fil-A open for you as you cross the parking lot from the other end means major points for the South.

· Rolling hills- Ok. I know these exist elsewhere. But they are in my back yard. And front yard. And they are still mostly green. With hay bales and deer and horses and blue jays. HEAVEN. Don’t get me started on the stars here…

· Best. Neighbors. Ever.- I have met only a few of my neighbors, and they are among the kindest people I have met, period. Everyone seems to look out for one another, and I already feel like I know these people better than I have ever gotten to know my neighbors back in Fargo (where I have spent the past 22 years of my life). I am definitely baking pans of cinnamon rolls for them soon (shout out to Ree Drummond, Cinnamon Roll genius).

· Southern Expressions- The creativity is astounding! I need to keep a list of these as I hear them. Nobody seems to use the same expressions, yet they roll out of their mouths with alarming frequency and everyone considers them normal conversation. I laugh- but only because of they way they make perfect sense!

· Faith- At times, it feels over-marketed here, but I have had more than a few conversations with random people here on faith and Bible-related issues, simply because that is what they are talking about. There are LOTS of opportunities to encourage people and learn from them because faith is a very open topic and way of life for many in this area.

· Architecture- Brick everywhere. Big porches. Landscaping with old trees. Fancy horses in front of large plantation-style dwellings. That, and roads are really fun to drive on. What’s not to love?

· Music- Nashville isn’t called Music City for nothing. I have seen more tour busses than I can count and run into more bands and people who work with musicians than anywhere else (besides music festivals) in my life- and I haven’t been here but a couple of weeks! Music is a viable career option, provided you are smart with your finances, and musicians are very interconnected. It is awesome to tell people the reason I have come and be welcomed with open arms- and understanding.

I am sure everyone will want to come and visit now, right? Keep praying about the next thing, career- and networking-wise, as well as developing meaningful, close friendships. I am really loving life here right now!

Viva Nashvegas!

Haha.

Here I am, back in "The Ville," after a nearly sleepless night attempting to catch some Zs in the airport. I had plans of hanging out in the city for the evening- or at least the Mall of America- but those were dashed because Southwest doesn't allow baggage check before 4 hours prior to departure. There are no lockers either, due to security issues. In addition, I decided to forgo staying at my aunt and uncle's place to make things easier on everyone. We'll call my 12 hours at MSP a learning experience. Hopefully not to be duplicated. Oy.

Regardless, I am safe and glad to be back in my new hometown. God took great care of me! For example, yesterday, as I was running errands, there was construction that actually made my trip MORE productive in that it caused me to do things in a more efficient order than I had originally planned. That's a first! Secondly, I never researched baggage weight limits for my two suitcases (which fly free with Southwest- why I chose them for this trip!), and I was sure they were over 50lbs each. I prayed about it, and the two suitcases together weighed 95lbs; 48lbs and 47lbs, respectively. Amazing! Nevermind that I was granted some seriously good God time, reading and praying in the quietness of Humphrey Terminal in the wee hours of the night. God is good. :)

For today, I want to use my time well. I got an inexpensive, yet quite satisfying bite to eat at Dose.[coffee & tea] on the outskirts of the city, where I am writing this now. My original goal was to set up a lunch meeting with a connection I have in the Nashville Symphony, but I have not heard back from her or a few others I would like to speak with. Something to continue to pray about, prayer partners/warriors!

Regardless, I have a free afternoon by myself to spend as I please. I think I'll check out Williams Fine Violins, as it was recommended to me by one of the Nashville Symphony cellists. I have always appreciated the relationship I have developed with luthiers in Fargo and Minneapolis, and I know it will do me well to establish a similar relationship here. From there, perhaps I'll get some groceries or see if there are any good used book stores (I'm a sucker for these...) or unique boutiques to check out.

I am excited to get to know this new home of mine! Time to jump in with both feet!

Prayer items:
* For motivation and direction concerning work in Nashville
* For opportunities to meet with and make valuable contacts
* For the ability to ask the right questions (I have never felt like I was good at asking questions)
* For good fellowship at Village (small group) tonight- that we will be able to build up one another in Christ and grow together as friends
* For fearlessness and discernment in all things. God has proved himself faithful. I must follow.